A classic question, revisited: what are the five items you must have on a deserted island?

Right, how am I to take this? Seriously, or not?

If I’m really and truly stuck on a deserted, inhospitable island, then I’d need a water sterilising kit, fire lighters, a first aid kit stocked with antibiotics, antihistamines and a lot of Immodium, a fully charged satellite phone and a sharp knife of some kind.

I know, relentlessly practical, but I don’t want to die there!

If I’m being a little less practical, I’d take Bear Grylls, a boat stocked with food, water and fuel, an electrical generator, my laptop and a big bottle of sunscreen so I can relax, write my next book and snack as a survival expert pilots the boat away to safety.

If the desert island comes complete with a luxury villa with a swimming pool, supermarket food delivery, wi-fi, electricity and indoor plumbing, then I would bring my Kindle so I could get started on making a dent in my reading list. I’d bring an inflatable pool lounger so I can bob up and down on the gentle waves while catching a tan. I’d have to bring Alfred the Great so he could lounge on the terrace and chase the butterflies. My laptop would have to come with me, of course! Think of the writing I could do! Finally, I’d have to bring a giant bag of Percy Pigs, my favourite sweets!